Monday, November 14, 2011

Porn Star Sasha Grey Is An American Hero

Parents, you don't always know what's best for your children. I'm not talking about the over-protective ones who put leashes on their kids. I've seen plenty of matted-haired children running around like chimps in bloated diapers. I understand they are animals. And I'm not talking about those vicarious parents, like the pageant mothers who spray tan their child and parade it around in front of southerners. Nothing wrong with turning your kid into a drag queen because your marriage isn't spiritually rewarding. Also, thank you Toddlers and Tiaras, swallowing my own vomit is sometimes the only warm meal I get in a week.



The parents who don’t know what’s best for their children are those L.A. parents, who last week climbed up on their moral high-horses and rallied against retired porn starlet - Sasha Grey - because she wanted to participate in their children's elementary school's reading program. These are the parents who lack the vision that will make children the future we've always sung about.

Let’s not be confused here. They’re not upset because Ms. Grey can't read and therefore won't be a good educational presence. They're uncomfortable because they've seen Sasha in numerous adult videos displaying the grace and dexterity of someone hastily trying to cram a carry-on into an overhead storage-bin during turbulence. The parents are uncomfortable because she's created more wet spots than an Evian bottling factory during an earthquake. But honestly, who hasn't had at least one job that they regret? Figuratively, we've all had to lay on a directors couch just to make rent. Right? 

So let's avoid the old Will Smith parents cliche, by throwing in another, older one: "the devil you know."

I’ve seen what happens when a straight-laced teacher, who has played by the rules their whole life, gets pushed over the edge. Breaking Bad anyone? Isn’t it usually the people with cleanest records who have the most to hide: BTK, Ted Haggard, Jerry Sandusky...etc. Whatever your objections are over her dubious past, at least you know what she's done. 

And have you ever wondered why every intervention on the show Intervention is led by a recovering addict? The world works best when it works from experience. If anyone understands the pitfalls of not pursuing a solid education, it would be our nation's porn-stars. Right? But I don't fault the parents for not seeing that. I understand their brains have been reduced to a useless heap from years of missed sleep and trying to have stimulating conversation with a baby. So of course they're unable to see the positives of having this American Hero take part in their child's education.



Why is Sasha an American hero? Because she actually wants to work with children. Sasha wanting to do something good for the future is such a refreshing change from someone like Lindsay, who’s really only taught us this: you can lead a horse-face to community service, but you can’t make her do it. This story really drives home the idea that whether you're trying to get your child on the best possible learning path or you're going for the title of world's largest gangbang, it takes a village.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Yes We Can Can: The Coca Cola Drug Wars

In a part of the world where U.S. pop-culture bleeds into daily life, it’s the advertisers who know what’s best for Latin Americans. Over the past year we’ve seen Netflix bring telenovelas to their South American market. Xbox has opened a plant in Brazil. And now, according to a recent Yale study, Coca-Cola has significantly shifted it’s advertising focus to impressionable Mexican children. Knowing how unhealthy soft-drinks are, and knowing this generation might be the first to live shorter because of diabetes and other maladies caused by poor diet, Coca-Cola might come off looking like opportunistic corporate demon. But I think it’s all in how you look at it.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Same Old Same Sex Arguments

This week Chile voted that it was overwhelmingly against the legalization of gay marriage. And who can blame them? I mean, here's a country that definitely understands the political and economic downfall that comes when several men get stuck deep inside a hole together (seriously, there were so many men caught down in that dark, loveless mineshaft that I heard #KrisHumphries almost bought a $200,000 engagement ring for it). While I respect the country’s right to govern itself through corrupt politics and arcane religious practices, I feel there are some things Chile needs to consider before saying “I do” to banning same-sex commitments.