(TBN) - The United States of America has joined Blockbuster, Linens ‘n Things, and Atari in the unemployment line. Uncle Sam, who is normally seen standing outside of businesses, dancing and cajoling in attempt to bring in customers, was seen in poor spirits on Wednesday.
“I love actin’ a fool,” Sam told reporters at a press conference before emotionally breaking down. He was then led away by his wife, The Statue Of liberty, and their son, an inflatable tube thing that appeared to be on a controlled substance.
Ironically, Uncle Sam admitted he currently owes 200 in over-drafting fees to Bank of America. Sam is contesting part of the fee, saying, “the bank told me my check had cleared - otherwise I wouldn’t have bought that coconut water.” Though Sam admitted that he probably should have thought twice before impulsively purchasing a Little Giant ladder during a manic phase.
The closing of the United States comes with little surprise, as most analysts kind of knew the country was in trouble when the government began cutting back on essentials, like civil liberties, but the real nail in the coffin came earlier this week when the White House admitted they didn’t actually know what a debt ceiling was.
“I knew it was going to pot,” Sam said, “when I told Obama we needed to raise the debt ceiling. A few days later, Obama called back and asked ‘lets say you were in charge … how would you going about raising a debt thingy that you mentioned … ?’”
What happens next? Most of the West Coast will be sold as scrap to Denmark, who mostly wants the pot vending machines. The East Coast will probably be auctioned off on EBay or put out in a rummage sale. The Bible Belt will probably go to Goodwill, which should snag a nice tax credit. “One thing’s for sure,” the Statue of Liberty told reporters, “this is a rough time for Sam. I haven’t seen him this upset since Apollo died.”
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