Breaking News - Economy Found Dead

(TBN) - In the wake of S&P downgrading the U.S. credit rating, The Economy was found dead in his apartment early Saturday morning. Neighbors reported hearing moaning and wailing, followed by multiple gunshots. EMTs arrived and pronounced The Economy dead at the scene. 


Friends of The Economy say they knew he had been suffering from depression for a while, but are shying from speculation that this was anything more than an accident. However, witnesses reported hearing someone who sounded like the Economy yell out between gunshots, "why am I not dead yet? Are you kiddin' me!" and "Oh thank god, I'm dying. I'm dying! Wait, I'm going to miss the next episode of Breaking Bad? I wish I was dead! Are you kiddin' me! Oh good I am d..."

Child Dead, Thought Life Was TV Show When Wearing Spectacles

Horton Hears Voices

(Ryan Cownie) - Horton Walters, a thirteen year old New York resident and TV drama fanatic, was killed yesterday in a meth lab explosion in South Council Bluffs, Iowa

According to Horton's mother, the child went missing two days after being prescribed glasses to correct astigmatism. Also missing were three boxes of generic fruit snacks, his fathers 9mm pistol, and all of his parent's debit cards. Bank statements showed that multiple bus tickets to Council Bluffs were purchased using the stolen cards.

Also purchased: paint thinner, eight lbs of sugar, three boxes of Play-Doh, and 20 gallons of gasoline. Horton also appears to have purchased a trailer in Council Bluffs under the fake name "Tommy Streetwise."