Same Old Same Sex Arguments

This week Chile voted that it was overwhelmingly against the legalization of gay marriage. And who can blame them? I mean, here's a country that definitely understands the political and economic downfall that comes when several men get stuck deep inside a hole together (seriously, there were so many men caught down in that dark, loveless mineshaft that I heard #KrisHumphries almost bought a $200,000 engagement ring for it). While I respect the country’s right to govern itself through corrupt politics and arcane religious practices, I feel there are some things Chile needs to consider before saying “I do” to banning same-sex commitments.


Look, as a card-carrying moderate-libertarian-conservative-tea-party-occupier, I completely agree with idea that marriage is best defined as the union between a man and his property. However, it’s not hard to see that as economic opportunities balance out between North and South America, it will be the cultural advantages that influence migration to the north. Right now, several U.S. states are offering marriage licenses to homosexual couples, all of which (Connecticut, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, etc...) have fabulous bed-and-breakfasts and wonderful turtleneck weather, I might add. 

 “Oh, but U.S. immigration laws will discourage same-sex couples from moving northwards,” you’re thinking to yourself. Well, you’ve seen how tenacious average immigrants are when it comes to crossing borders for low-paying, back-breaking work. Just wait until you see just how focused same-sex immigrant couples can be when they put their mind to something rewarding, like civil rights. Hell, we’ve all sat at an Oprah book club meeting, sipping down a hot toddy, listening to our homosexual neighbors describe the bureaucratic hurdles they had to jump in order to adopt some ugly baby. Realistically, how do you expect to keep down people who are willing to adopt a non-white baby just to prove that social equality is something everyone should be entitled to?
 
So just think how much red-tape migrant, same-sex couples will be willing to endure in order to gain legal U.S. marriage. And believe me, it will happen. After that, it's only a matter of time before the naturalized, immigrant, same-sex, newlywed couples begin to spread out across the States and gentrify places like, say, Alabama. And, Chile, where do you think those inbred Alabamians are going to go to escape persecution for believing marriage is the union between a man and his woman? They’ll head south. Are those really the kind of people you want hanging around your Pablo Neruda statues? Think about it.