Friday, December 2, 2011

Movie Challenges NC-17 Taboo.

There was a time in life when the purity of youth could not be threatened. Those were the days when NC-17 movies were easy to detect and, thus, easy to condemn. Most were poorly-acted, raunchy affairs, where the main actors were clearly only in it for a quick paycheck, money they would surely spend on filling their face-holes with vices beyond the wildest dreams of even the most decadently syphilitic cesar. Well, those chaste days may be over, as the latest NC-17 movie - Steve McQueen's Shame - is being widely hailed by critics as a film that could legitimize the taboo rating. If you think this is a good thing, then clearly your liberal brain has been damaged from participating in too many drum circles. Allow me to educate you on exactly why you, and Shame, should be ashamed of yourselves.

Unlike the Spanish Inquisition, or segregated water-fountains, the deterioration of the NC-17 rating isn't just another example of how all good things eventually come to an end. Shame is currently paving the way for other movies to think that letting it all hang out is the best way to take home that Hollywood's most acclaimed and phallic symbol: the Oscar. You might scoff at the idea, but a similar trend reared it's head among actors in recent times. Dustin Hoffman, Sean Penn, and Tom Hanks all attempted some form of "full retard," a term coined by a black faced Robert Downey Jr in Tropic Thunder, in their attempts to acquire Mr. Oscar. If this smut is associated with critical success, then what's to stop someone like Abe Vigoda from thinking he could revitalize his career by going full-frontal?

My goodness, it's bad enough that even with an R rating I already have the naked images of Diane Keaton, Kathy Bates, and former pro-wrestler Chyna seared into my memory. If anything, we don't need a relaxation of the rules, but perhaps an overhaul of the rating's system that would put even PG movies up for closer scrutiny.  When I was in the 5th grade, The Little Mermaid was the most widely accepted children's movie about bestiality I'd ever even. I nearly swallowed my tongue when the kindly prince lifted that fish-woman out of the water and kissed her. Even at my young age, I knew this kind of accepted filth would cause America to backslide into behaviors fit for a strip club bathroom.

Let's not let this moral decline take us down any further. Write to your congressperson. Tell them about the visual atrocities currently occurring in your local cinemaplex. If enough of us voice our opinion, we'll ensure art-house filth like Shame (a movie I haven't seen and refuse to see) will be replaced by good, wholesome entertainment, like Jack and Jill. Adam Sandler, now there's a guy who knows how to make a good movie.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Porn Star Sasha Grey Is An American Hero

Parents, you don't always know what's best for your children. I'm not talking about the over-protective ones who put leashes on their kids. I've seen plenty of matted-haired children running around like chimps in bloated diapers. I understand they are animals. And I'm not talking about those vicarious parents, like the pageant mothers who spray tan their child and parade it around in front of southerners. Nothing wrong with turning your kid into a drag queen because your marriage isn't spiritually rewarding. Also, thank you Toddlers and Tiaras, swallowing my own vomit is sometimes the only warm meal I get in a week.

The parents who don’t know what’s best for their children are those L.A. parents, who last week climbed up on their moral high-horses and rallied against retired porn starlet - Sasha Grey - because she wanted to participate in their children's elementary school's reading program. These are the parents who lack the vision that will make children the future we've always sung about.

Let’s not be confused here. They’re not upset because Ms. Grey can't read and therefore won't be a good educational presence. They're uncomfortable because they've seen Sasha in numerous adult videos displaying the grace and dexterity of someone hastily trying to cram a carry-on into an overhead storage-bin during turbulence. The parents are uncomfortable because she's created more wet spots than an Evian bottling factory during an earthquake. But honestly, who hasn't had at least one job that they regret? Figuratively, we've all had to lay on a directors couch just to make rent. Right? 

So let's avoid the old Will Smith parents cliche, by throwing in another, older one: "the devil you know."

I’ve seen what happens when a straight-laced teacher, who has played by the rules their whole life, gets pushed over the edge. Breaking Bad anyone? Isn’t it usually the people with cleanest records who have the most to hide: BTK, Ted Haggard, Jerry Sandusky...etc. Whatever your objections are over her dubious past, at least you know what she's done. 

And have you ever wondered why every intervention on the show Intervention is led by a recovering addict? The world works best when it works from experience. If anyone understands the pitfalls of not pursuing a solid education, it would be our nation's porn-stars. Right? But I don't fault the parents for not seeing that. I understand their brains have been reduced to a useless heap from years of missed sleep and trying to have stimulating conversation with a baby. So of course they're unable to see the positives of having this American Hero take part in their child's education.

Why is Sasha an American hero? Because she actually wants to work with children. Sasha wanting to do something good for the future is such a refreshing change from someone like Lindsay, who’s really only taught us this: you can lead a horse-face to community service, but you can’t make her do it. This story really drives home the idea that whether you're trying to get your child on the best possible learning path or you're going for the title of world's largest gangbang, it takes a village.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Yes We Can Can: The Coca Cola Drug Wars

In a part of the world where U.S. pop-culture bleeds into daily life, it’s the advertisers who know what’s best for Latin Americans. Over the past year we’ve seen Netflix bring telenovelas to their South American market. Xbox has opened a plant in Brazil. And now, according to a recent Yale study, Coca-Cola has significantly shifted it’s advertising focus to impressionable Mexican children. Knowing how unhealthy soft-drinks are, and knowing this generation might be the first to live shorter because of diabetes and other maladies caused by poor diet, Coca-Cola might come off looking like opportunistic corporate demon. But I think it’s all in how you look at it.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Same Old Same Sex Arguments

This week Chile voted that it was overwhelmingly against the legalization of gay marriage. And who can blame them? I mean, here's a country that definitely understands the political and economic downfall that comes when several men get stuck deep inside a hole together (seriously, there were so many men caught down in that dark, loveless mineshaft that I heard #KrisHumphries almost bought a $200,000 engagement ring for it). While I respect the country’s right to govern itself through corrupt politics and arcane religious practices, I feel there are some things Chile needs to consider before saying “I do” to banning same-sex commitments.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Velveeta Room - Austin Texas

AUSTIN TEXAS: The Velveeta Room is proud to announce the return of 2010’s Funniest Person in Austin, Lucas Molandes, and the debut of New York tour de force,Brooke Van Poppelen. SPECIAL EVENT: CO-HEADLINING/RECORDING. So come out and support the comedians, the recording, and The Velveeta Room! Michael Priest hosts. 10 Dollars. 10/21 - 10/22. 9:30 and 11:30.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Schweddy Balls is New Ben and Jerry's Flavor

Looks like the guys at B and J 's have gone balls deep in dishing out a nice scoop of taste ... and civil rights. Yeah, you heard me. The Vermont duo's most recent delicious dish - named Schweddy Balls - is ruffling the feather's of the status quo who feel the name of the product pushes the boundaries of decency. I applaud Ben and Jerry. It's about time a junk food tore down the oppressive walls of what the establishment considers a socially acceptable double-entendre.

Saturday Cartoons: Parker St. - My Three Crushes

Parker St Episode 3 'My Three Crushes' from Parker St on Vimeo.

Noah Besser, the man behind Parker St., has created a series that charms in both its simplicity and depth. The characters are so crudely drawn and filled with such sincere emotion that one can't help but feel this is how we humans, in our most fragile moments, must appear to whatever gods are looking down on us. Take a moment out of your busy schedule and enjoy the emotional gauntlet of unrequited love: Episode 3 - My Three Crushes.