Schweddy Balls is New Ben and Jerry's Flavor

Looks like the guys at B and J 's have gone balls deep in dishing out a nice scoop of taste ... and civil rights. Yeah, you heard me. The Vermont duo's most recent delicious dish - named Schweddy Balls - is ruffling the feather's of the status quo who feel the name of the product pushes the boundaries of decency. I applaud Ben and Jerry. It's about time a junk food tore down the oppressive walls of what the establishment considers a socially acceptable double-entendre.


Those of you who follow my Vision Board blog know one of my goals in life is to be gainfully employed by Ben and/or Jerry. However, most of my ice cream ideas have heretofore been shunned by our close-minded society. Thanks to Ben and Jerry's efforts, all the micro-craft-bootleg-ice-cream-artisans in the world are experiencing a window of cultural acceptance. And you better believe we're crawling through it! So take note, world, we're coming at you with flavors you may not be ready for, but that's just how it's gonna be. Ben and Jerry, I await your open arms of employment.

1. Strawberry (Now With E Coli!) - "But isn't E Coli is a bad thing?" you're probably saying to yourself. At TBN, we understand that you're a busy person, and you don't always have time to worry if your food is contaminated with disease and vermin. That's why we've taken the guess work out of your diet. How can we be so sure? Good question, dickbreath. All of our strawberries have been processed in factories that handle fecal matter from Jakarta. Now when the family sits down to enjoy dessert, you'll know for sure that you're enjoying the finest gut-shredding bacteria the third-world world has to offer.

b. The Failure - Here's an ice cream we guarantee you will not like the first time you put it in your mouth. However, just like the barrel of a 9mm, failure is an acquired taste. So cram it down your face a few times, and gain an appreciation for the subtle, nuanced flavors of regret found in every bite. Also, we've added the shredded suicide notes of bankrupt financial planners to every pint, so each serving offers you a day's worth of fiber. Die already you pile of worthless shit!



3. Eat My Mother Fucking Dick Ice Cream - This tech savvy ice cream is inspired by youtube's message boards. The ingredients are 3 parts hate (licorice), 5 parts public education (ketchup), 2 parts childhood diabetes (KFC skins), and 4 parts sneezing panda (panda). That's right. The secret ingredient is a formerly living panda, which we initially marinated in low grade pepper-based poison until it took it's own pathetic life. Also, the ice cream is of the Neapolitan variety, so any possible dick ethnicity can be simulated and thoroughly enjoyed. So grab a bib and prepare to eat the only cold dish that will flame you as soon have an opinion on anything! Zing! (Limited Time Only)