Utah Hates The United States' Rights

Mo Money Mo Problems

(TBN) - Utah is now allowing the use of gold coins in their state currency system. The move to gold coins has received praise from Tea Partiers, States Rights enthusiasts, bridge trolls, leprechauns, European Magpies,  and one top hat wearing mallard.

The Legal Tender Act of 2011 was championed by the Tea Party, believing that in order to prevent a currency collapse, the dollar should be backed by gold, silver, or some other shiny shit found in the Method Man's mouth.

Enzle Turnip Jr.

A spokesman from the less popular Whiskey Party - Enzle Turnip Jr. - however, stated he would like to see a dollar backed by “goot ol'fashioned, firm, spit'filled hantshakes - dem kind of hantshakes that built this beaut'full con'try.” The spokesman then bit down on a strap of leather, used his trusty Bowie knife to extract an Apache arrowhead from his thigh and then buried his son who had died from liver gonorrhea while on the Oregon Trail.


Aluminum lobbyists are currently vying for a spot in the state’s currency system, however aside from pawn shops, most stores are not equipped to be paid in little league baseball bats, corrugated-siding or bags filled with hobo cans. 

Other states - Idaho, Georgia, Minnesota - have show interest in similar legislation, however, the US Government has stood in their way, saying, “If Utah jumped off a dilapidated bridge that was no longer federally funded, would you?”

Jettison Blue Balls

This marks the second time Utah has recently shown  sack by standing up to the federal government. Previously, Utah made a move to make TSA’s pat-downs a thing of the past, citing they are a violation of the 4th Amendment, and worse, the unskilled TSA package handlers have left too many travelers with blue balls and the even more uncomfortable lavender labia. 


--- In a related story --
The top-hat wearing mallard was found dead in his Money Bin. Medical examiners say preliminary tests reveal the cause of death is likely the result of "the Money Bends."