The Optimistic Nihilist: Bucket Pissed

They call old age "the golden years." It's a time of relaxation and enjoying the spoils of wisdom. However, for one elderly Pennsylvania man, "golden years" takes on a more literal meaning when it comes to dealing with unruly punks.

According to a CBS news report, 91-year-old Albert Einsig had been trying his best to be civil with neighborhood teenagers, who apparently delighted in finding new ways to annoy the old bastard.
Of course, the dude could only take so much aggravation, and like an ape in heat, he snapped, dousing the sidewalk area outside his home with a bucket's worth of teenager repellent: his own urine.

As a gut reaction, I say bravo to the old-timer. On paper, his actions sound awesome, and not just because he still has the ability to produce a full bucket of mellow yellow at his age. No. In the lawless land of teenager jack-assery, this toilet Macgyver was only using what he had to work with to get some goddamned peace and quiet.

That's awesome. And it's depressing. This guy's life is probably not where he'd hoped it would be. At 91-years-of-age, this form of retaliation basically amounted to the saddest variation of Gran Torino style justice ever. And, unlike Clint Eastwood, this guy wasn't even lucky enough to die at the end. Instead, the cops issued him a fucking citation. This is why I don't feel bad when single mothers leave their kids in the dumpster. Karma works both ways.

I say he should contest the citation in court. No jury would convict him of any wrong doing, mostly because finding a jury of elderly peers would be nearly impossible unless they thaw out the Donner Party. Ha! I'm kidding. This dude is so old, he remembers when Lou Gehrig's disease actually meant syphilis. Zing!

But seriously, the next time you're depressed and your friends tell you to perk up, point them to this story. Youth is horrible. Life never gets easier. And then the cops ticket you if you try to do anything about it.