Nebraska High School Grinds To A Halt

(OPINION) - The kids at Lincoln's Southeast High School have been put on notice for this year's homecoming. Any student caught engaging in pre-cum inducing dance maneuvers (aka grinding) will politely be asked to leave the premises. Yawn.

If you're like me, you never attended high school dances because you felt like they were sterile affairs meant for people who got high on the approval of their knuckle-dragging peers. Also, after my girlfriend accidentally carved her initials onto her teacher's face during a field trip misunderstanding, she was prohibited from ever being near school property again. So, I could never bring a date anyway.

Looking back, did you actually care what your classmates thought of your dress or hairstyle? Not me. The kids I rolled with - the real kids who wore Doc Martens and huffed paint - we never waited for the school to tell us what to wear or when to party. Along with the rest of the rejects, we'd rage inside the abandoned paper mill, throw back a few shots of SoCo, and compare notes on which girl's vagina smelled like what.

You know who didn't care if we grinded on one another? Clint, my best friend's dad who was the night shift security guard at Johnson's Tapestry Bazaar. While he was out, we'd lay our betrothed on his crusty futon, put on some Cypress Hill, and grind out enough reproductive goop to make Johnny Appleseed jealous. Nothing makes a girl's face light up like doing it under a black-light. Trust.

I bet there's a kid who gets kicked out of this Lincoln homecoming dance for grinding, and they'll wear that form of rebellion like a badge of honor for the rest of their pathetic life. So, fuck them. Really. When did the goal of attending school functions become to leak bodily fluids through your fancy gown until teachers passive-aggressively told you to separate? You think that's cool? Grinding is for people who enjoy the way swimming pool water jets feel on their crotch. What are you, Presbyterian?

I'll tell you what is cool. While you're getting busted for booty dancing, the loner kid from the abusive family is getting to third base with the art teacher behind the cafeteria dumpster. He's not doing it for the attention. He's doing it because he watched his younger brother do it to their second-cousin at last year's family reunion.

And you might mock him for always smelling like a dead man's attic, but when he's older, he wont be some pervert who enjoys grinding against nubile preteens on a subway platform. No, he sublimated his teenage urges in a healthy way. And that's a good thing. There's already enough politicians in the world.

So Lincoln Nebraska high school students, stay away from this year's homecoming. Go out and make your own fun. You're only young once. Don't blow it all in one place.