DES MOINES, Iowa - Sears manager Jason Baker was taken to a local hospital after suffering from a severe case of apathy. The incident occurred when customer Sarah Jenkins, 37, approached Jason to tell him she had been a loyal customer for years and that the service she had received that day made her wonder if Sears even cared about its customers.
Jason rhetorically asked the customer what he could do to rectify the perceived wrong. "That's when the woman used one of her sausage fingers to point at a coupon in last weeks flyer, saying that if the company did not honor their agreement she would never come back. The last thing I remember is her bringing up something about her mentally retarded child, an out-of-work husband and some paraplegic grandmother ... That's when everything all went black."
Though Sears' policy is one of "The Customer Is Always Right" it should be noted that no one, even the customers, can actually believe they are right if they are at a Sears. Lou D'Ambrosio, CEO of Sears, released an official statement stating, "This is a clear case of a customer thinking they matter. We have an unspoken understanding with our clientele. They pretend like they matter and we pretend like we care. Beyond that, if someone get's upset, it's not our fault the world will go on without them and their boring life."
The position Sears has taken towards their customers shouldn't surprise anyone, as the company has recently discussed the idea of replacing their customer service desk with large mirrors. The hope is that customers who have complaints will realize that genuine critique must start from within and only you can truly help yourself.
Having the mirrors installed came at the suggestion of the existential consulting firm Kierkegaard and Associates, who were the ones responsible for Wal Mart's addition of elderly greeters. The elderly greeters are one way of showing the customer that life is short, and one should enjoy savings while they can.
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