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| Sassy Diva |
A Prequel To Gaining Control Of Your Shit
Whether you're a sassy diva, a homely door mat, a Mary-Kate, an Ashley, or even a Cybil (dissociative disorders with a decent rack), there is a pretty good chance that finding a stable relationship will be pretty goddamn tough. In fact, a lady on the talk radio once said that we're all totally fucked and will probably end up lesbians. I say, they can't send us ALL to jail!
So let's say you do actually manage to procure a mate despite the fact that you're probably really annoying and talk about stupid things like Panic! at the Disco or Jennifer Aniston movies. Good for you. Now it's time to sit back and learn a few things sister, because chances are, some slutty chick with a bass guitar or clit-ring is going to snatch him right up. Then where will you be? Alone with your microwave cobbler and a bunch of tiny animals sex toys that mutilate your precious flower.
This all can be prevented (hopefully), if you pay close attention to these sure-fire pleasure techniques, invented under the influence of whiskey. The good shit.
1) Go Away
Seriously. Get the hell away from him for at least 22 hours of the day. In fact, the only time you should be near your mate is when you are bumping fuglies or listening to him play guitar, regardless of how horrifying it sounds. Men like you to be around when they have a skill to show off (usually of the sexual nature), or when they want to play some cover song they learned on that guitar their dead uncle gave them.
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| DSL = Don't Speak, Lovely |
Really. He hates your voice. Unless you're Fiona "Prison Lips" Apple, you should maybe just keep quiet. I know, I know, "BUT I WANT TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE FIGHT I HAD WITH JENNIFER ON FACEBOOK!!! IT WAS CRAZY!!!" No, it wasn't crazy, it was stupid. And he doesn't care at all. He's even considering deleting his Facebook right after taking you out of a relationship on his wall. Just shoosh. You can learn a lot from someone who lives with mom and step-dad.
3) ... and Keep His Stomach Full
Honestly. Men like being fed, because men are like baby birds. They are covered in feathers, eat worms, and crowd your nest. They are needy as shit, ladies. Men need you to be all up in that oven dressed like a skanky Rachel Raye, with less talking. You should be focusing on preparing meals like pizza, chicken fingers, tacos, cereal, and lasagna. It is this authors' personal experience, that the more complicated and small you make the meal, the higher the chances are that he'll run off and get some "strange" from his "stripper friend he knew from high school....no really, she's nice. She has a kid Kat. Sheesh". That son of a bitch.
Ahem.
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| Make A Man Out Of A Babyhill |
For real. If your man wants to think that Lance Armstrong has four nutsacks filled with chocolate, or that the moon is made of kitty litter, just smile, nod and swallow your pride (among other things). The dumber you allow him to be, the more you can use against him in a fight later, when you disprove every bit of dialogue he has ever spoken for the purpose of emasculation (see previous blog post regarding "Gaining Control of Your Shit").
5) Condoms Shmondoms
Come on! You and I both know damn good and well that condoms completely ruin sex for a man. They hate it. Have you ever tried to give a cat a bath, or put a collar on a dog? This is the same mentality a man has towards a condom. It's that - "I don't understand why you're stifling me bitch. Let my creative juices flow all over the sheets. You can wash them next week" - mentality. It's disgusting, but with any hope you'll get pregnant, and then he's yours FOREVER!!!!
Take it from someone who has been in a successful relationship for over never years, these are some no-shit, hardcore, true-believer techniques that will absolutely NOT make him think you're completely crazy. He certainly won't find you weak-willed, anti-woman, or a little bit of a "space-cadet". He will find you quirky, adorable, and he will stay in your clutches until the day you kill him.
Facebook Kat & @KramZinSki
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