Man Wakes Up With Iphone Strapped To His Body

Simon Leman claims the last thing he remembers is picking out a few choice berries from a bush outside his house. "[...] and then I feel a sting in my backside. When I woke up, there was an Iphone strapped to my chest."

This marks the 3rd time in as many days that a person has woken with some type of smartphone affixed to their body. Though not much is known at this time, it appears that several corporations have employed the help of wildlife experts to use smartphones as a method of keeping tabs on human migration and spending habits.

More on this story later.

Nebraska High School Grinds To A Halt

(OPINION) - The kids at Lincoln's Southeast High School have been put on notice for this year's homecoming. Any student caught engaging in pre-cum inducing dance maneuvers (aka grinding) will politely be asked to leave the premises. Yawn.

If you're like me, you never attended high school dances because you felt like they were sterile affairs meant for people who got high on the approval of their knuckle-dragging peers. Also, after my girlfriend accidentally carved her initials onto her teacher's face during a field trip misunderstanding, she was prohibited from ever being near school property again. So, I could never bring a date anyway.

The Optimistic Nihilist: Bucket Pissed

They call old age "the golden years." It's a time of relaxation and enjoying the spoils of wisdom. However, for one elderly Pennsylvania man, "golden years" takes on a more literal meaning when it comes to dealing with unruly punks.

Guy Gets Into Fat Suit

No, this isn’t a Nutty Professor fat suit. A New York man, just shy of 300 pounds, is suing White Castle for failing to make the booths in their restaurant large enough to accommodate his corpulent carriage. Claiming the burger chain’s restrictive seating is a violation of the “civil rights of fat people,” the bloated Rosa Parks wannabe told reporters, “I just want to sit down like a normal person.”

Crocs Enthusiast Of Today

Who has two feet and Crocs? This guy (above)! The way I look at it: rebelling and liberating doesn't mean you can't be comfortable. Between throwing Molotov cocktails, this guy decided to throw on a pair of Crocs. That's why this guy (above)! is our Crocs enthusiast of today.

Video Of Today - 8/21

Well there are football players who make millions and cant handle balls like this. Good for her!

Video Of Today

Notice the camera shaking? That's life in the trailer parks. Someones older sister is going to be pissed they stole her underwear, and her baby. Sit back and watch something David Lynch could only dream of directing.