Factoid - Koala Bears

 The beer gut is what Koalas would have if they stored regret in their pouch.

Pentagon Victim Of Cyberbullying

(TBN) - The Pentagon is considering the use of military force against cyberattacks. This decision came after hackers breached the Pentagon's Facebook page, changing the military's relationship status with Afghanistan from "in a civil union with" to the more ambiguous "it's complicated."

Hooter's Boner

(TBN) - A class of Pennsylvanian 8th graders recently spent their field trip lunch at a Hooters in Baltimore Maryland. Parents, initially outraged that their children were allowed in a place as morally depraved as Baltimore, agreed that seeking refuge inside a Hooters was the right course of action.

Gay Star Alignment Explains Rare Phenomenon

Republican House Party

(TBN) - House Republicans briefly transformed their image this past weekend when the entire political party turned into a frenzy of gay pride induced dancing, parading and glitter-bombing.

Initially confused, scientists were able to pinpoint the cause of the phenomenon as result of the rare homo star alignment of Ellen Degeneres and Sapphire - author of Precious - in Louisville Kentucky; both gay stars were there separately for various promotional reasons.

Utah Hates The United States' Rights

Mo Money Mo Problems

(TBN) - Utah is now allowing the use of gold coins in their state currency system. The move to gold coins has received praise from Tea Partiers, States Rights enthusiasts, bridge trolls, leprechauns, European Magpies,  and one top hat wearing mallard.

The Legal Tender Act of 2011 was championed by the Tea Party, believing that in order to prevent a currency collapse, the dollar should be backed by gold, silver, or some other shiny shit found in the Method Man's mouth.

Cabbage Patch Kids In Custody After Birth Certificates Revealed As Forgeries

Truck driver's mugshot.

(TBN) - Several illegal Cabbage Patch Kids were found hiding in the "human cargo hold" of an 18-wheeler as it attempted to cross the Mexican-American border. Officers became suspicious after the driver of the truck was unable to answer their questions.

"She was clearly high on some drug, rambling about  'the worst thing I ever seen.' Then she freaked out in some meth induced seizure," Officer Grundle told reporters. "We pulled her out of the truck, tazed her and got the cuffs on her. That's when we heard rustling coming from the trailer, which could mean only one thing."

Networks Threaten To Cancel Obama Over Poor Ratings

C. Thomas in full Obama make up

(TBN) -  Midway through season three, Obama is facing the possibility of cancellation if the show cannot increase its ratings. The administration has lost many viewers due to the current "Debt Ceiling" story-line, which has alienated the casual viewer, while confusing even the most die-hard followers.

Lopez Hits Twitter Trend Without Murdering Anyone

From www.tuvez.com:

Trending – (adverb) 1). Group think which occurs when emotionally repressed people devolve into frenzied crying over a celebrity who will never care about them. 2). What acid washed jeans did in the 80s.

George Lopez, the pied piper of banality, trended on Twitter last night. As most of you know, Twitter is the website where people with less vocabulary than Koko the Gorilla can group en masse to express opinions on topics they don’t understand. #publicschools

(read more...)

Stephen Hawking Admits To Being Method Actor

(TBN) - Fresh on the heels of Mayim Bialik’s (Big Bang Theory star) admission that she is actually a scientist, Cosmologist Stephen Hawking has admitted that he is actually a method actor who has spent the last 60+ years preparing for his role in the upcoming FX Sitcom - A Brief History of Rhyme.

Company In Shock After Finding Out Customer Thinks Her Opinion Matters

DES MOINES, Iowa - Sears manager Jason Baker was taken to a local hospital after suffering from a severe case of apathy. The incident occurred when customer Sarah Jenkins, 37, approached Jason to tell him she had been a loyal customer for years and that the service she had received that day made her wonder if Sears even cared about its customers. 

Leopard Mauled By Children

(TBN) - Ziggy, a leopard from Omaha Nebraska, was seriously injured today after he accidentally wandered into a daycare and was mauled by several toddlers. Witnesses say the leopard, seemingly unaware of the danger, tried to lick one of the children. This act set the rug-rats into a blood-frenzy, where they used their sticky fingers, toy swords and newly developed teeth to attack the vulnerable animal. Shaking cans filled with coins, the day care workers managed to scare the children away long enough to pull the leopard to safety.

Homeless Man Buys House With Smiles

DES MOINES, Iowa - Homeless man Darrell “Skunkbite” Pringle has purchased a home using the smiles he collected over the years. The home, a 2,700 square foot building in the heart of Des Moines, has a street value of over 900,000 smiles. Pringle said he stumbled on the idea for his now iconic saying - “Anything helps, even a smile” - when a passerby said he didn’t have any change to give “but he’d give me a smile if that’d help.”

Uncle Sam Files For Chapter 11

(TBN) - The United States of America has joined Blockbuster, Linens ‘n Things, and Atari in the unemployment line. Uncle Sam, who is normally seen standing outside of businesses, dancing and cajoling in attempt to bring in customers, was seen in poor spirits on Wednesday.

“I love actin’ a fool,” Sam told reporters at a press conference before emotionally breaking down. He was then led away by his wife, The Statue Of liberty, and their son, an inflatable tube thing that appeared to be on a controlled substance.