The Perfect Man-ic : Pet of the Week Daniel Raderpillar

Daniel 'Two Face' Raderpillar

(TBN) - The beautiful face(s) of Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe - check!.  The body of a flexible, delicate, supple caterpillar - check!. The horn of a majestic purple unicorn - double check!

It's official, this week's eligible pet is a total DRILF! JK LOL.

The Daniel Raderpillar is a perfect little sad-erpillar. This cuddly pet is a perfect adoption choice for people suffering from depressions or mental illnesses. So if you're looking for something low energy and low maintenance, this is the ideal pal for you! 

Let him crawl all over your arms and tell you tales of wizardry, magic wars and self-mutilation. This caterpillar has more than enough arms to carve out all of your daddy issues. As an added treat, if you are bipolar, he's a great cycling pal! 

(Warning: Although the Raderpillar loves pockets, do NOT put him in your back pocket! You could pulverize the silly fellow into pure guts, but also because he's notorious for chewing through underwears and crawling right up into an unsuspecting tooter!) LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!!

The Daniel Raderpillar crawls into a dark hole and emerges six weeks later a manic Zebrafly!

Magjestic Zebrafly

The Zebrafly emerges with not only a whole new look, but also a whole new personality...just like me after the full moon! Amirite, Ladies?!!

The zebrafly is a unique animal. He's the kind of loyal friend that will help you move out in the middle of the night or burn down an ex-boyfriend's house! LMF666AO! Of all the voices you're listening to, his will be the loudest!

Double Rainbow! LOLOL

Who needs a guard dog when you have a zebrafly to blow fiery-farts at any trespassers and blind your cruel frenemies with his laser glares?!  LOL! Be careful not to let the zebrafly escape! That would require a very large net to recapture it!


ROFL! ROFL! ROFL! ROFL! ROFL.

Fun facts about the Daniel Raderpillar:

• Suffers from:  SAD
• Likes:  Pockets. Eating his feelings. Darkness. 
• Dislikes:  Bright colors. Sunlight. Citrus. Having a face for a butt. Sharing his body with that asshole that eats his own feces.  

Fun facts about the Zebrafly

• Suffers from: Extreme Mania!!!
• Likes: Horseplay! Tooting fire balls during burn bans! Shooting lasers at female genitalia!
• Dislikes: Day walkers. Free-range grass. Latices. The dark lord Voldemort. 

@bixbot is TBN's executive cryptozoologist - specializing in mythical creatures who suffer from psychosis and other mental traumas. If seen on the street or in public, @bixbot should not be approached.