Gold Medalist Squashed by Fat Kid During Leap Frog Championships

Conrad Walker in TIMEOUT Pen Yard

(Québec City, CA) - Tragedy struck the annual Leap Frog Championships this past Friday, as Canadian Leap Frog captain Sally Blininings, 10, was brutally squashed by her obese team assistant captain, Conrad Walker, 9. 

Sally, three time gold medal winner, was declared squashed as leap frog enthusiasts looked on.

A rising star in the World Leap Frog League, Conrad was drafted to Canada from the United States' amateur league late last season. The child's 64 dollar contract made him the highest paid player in the WLFL, however many initially doubted the boy could compete at a professional leap frog level because of his UFS. 

Child Suffering From UFS

"Doctors diagnosed my son with Useless Fat Kid Syndrome on his first birthday," Conrad's father, Cordell Walker, told TBN. "The boy ate an entire cake, the back-up cake, the half-melted, wax number one candle and some grab bags filled with pencil sharpeners. Damn Obamacare and its useless Useless Fat Kid Syndrome medical plan..DAMN IT STRAIGHT TO CHRISTIAN HELL! That's why we came to Canada."

Despite his rotund-carriage, Conrad quickly moved up the Canadian ranks. “Conrad has always been a success driven individual," Conrad's mother, Diamond Walker, told TBN. "Ever since we got him his first official Leap Frog Training Log©, he demanded we leave a night light in his room so he could train until the early hours of the morning. We were so proud when he became the team's new assistant captain."

His promotion, however, came after the previous child to hold that rank, Jimberly Cardova, was found squashed dead in his swank, four bedroom tree house. 

Tree House Where Squashing Occurred

The nature of the Jimberly's death raised suspicions of Walker's involvement. Some of his fellow teammates went so far as telling a teacher their theory. However, Conrad was never brought to trial because evidence (a note from his mother) suggested that he was too husky to climb up a tree house. 

The recent public squashing during the 2011 Leap Frog Championships has reignited the suspicions of fellow teammates and authorities.

Conrad is currently in holding at TIMEOUT, the largest Canadian Child Penitentiary, where he awaits trial. If indicted for first-degree child squashing, the boy could face grounding. Penitentiary officials fear the demands of the child's mandatory grounding meals could prove disastrous, as Conrad has been known to put all-you-can-eat family buffets out of business.

For now, the Leap Frog Championships will continue as scheduled. Tickets are still available at LeapFrogChampsTixYALL.gov.

Leap frog enthusiast @ryancownie is TBN's number one dead child reporter. Cownie is a writer for Hello Gabba Gabba! on Nick Sr.