Three Students Dead; Doctor Wrongfully Prescribed Mt. Dew

(TBN) - Philip Shtiltborn, pediatrician, was arrested early Wednesday morning for alleged extreme malpractice.  According to police reports, the doctor recklessly prescribed local children medicinal Mountain Dew as an anti-depressant, instead of more traditional and legal FDA approved drugs. The prescriptions resulted in three preteen casualties, reported to have died from the Over-Dewing (OD).

Though 24 children have been hospitalized due to OD complications, several doctors in the north-eastern quadrant of south-central West Virginia have defended the practice of prescribing medicinal Mountain Dew as an anti-depressant. 

Anonymous Doctor

One doctor, speaking under the condition of anonymity, told reporters, "prescribing Mountain Dew works a'cause childrens complain they can’t swallow pills or that medicines tastes too 'yucky.' My daddy prescribed it to me, just like his grand-pap did for him. This Obamacare wants to make sure we can't keep our traditions? What's next? I ain't gonna be able to prescribe Poprocks to my weasle? [...] Tea Party 2012!"

Town coroner and prison cafeteria employee, Linda Tilbert said, "we found them boys soaking in their own neon green filth, surrounded by 15 empty cases of 'gamer fuel.'" Gamer fuel is street-slang for the prescribed medical grade Mountain Dew, which had the fatal by-product of causing excessive gaming. "The three young roustabouts was apparently on day 12 of a 15 day World of Warcraft binge when they was found dead." 

Leonard Tipt

“These boys were in no need of being prescribed anti-depressants and gaming enablers,” Middle school guidance counselor Leonard Tipt claims. “[Shtiltborn] is a money grubbing cyst on the ballsack of our medical system. Shtilt-for-brains doesn’t know the first thing about relating to or understanding our youth. Sometimes I let the kids call me Daddy Leo. Occasionally I'll even say cursedwords and take the lords name in vain. It makes me look hip in the social battleground of preteen adolescence.”

Twenty-four other diabetic students were also hospitalized due to doing the Dew, although parents and therapists of the kids claim the prescription was necessary as "they were sad saps because of their weak, less superior, diabetic-coma prone, useless dummy bodies."

As of this report, Dr. Philip Shtiltborn is in threat of losing his Extreme! medicine license and still awaiting trial. Counselor Leonard Tipt was also arrested for posing as a middle school student and taking Cindy Porters, alleged school babe, to the winter dance. A charge that Tipt told reporters was excessive because "that's how daddy met mama."

In a related story, Several doctors in Vietnam have been charged with  assisting in suicide by prescribing patients multiple cans of Sierra Mist.

@ryancownie is TBN's Commanding Dead Child Reporter. He has spent the last 7 years of his life reporting from the seedy world of World of Warcraft. Many of his WOW characters have died to get stories for TBN.