12-Year-Old Con Man Sentenced To Death

(Waco, TX) - Detectives apprehended Kenneth Dillard Wess, 12, who had been on the lam for the last two months. According to reports, Wess allegedly duped neighborhood poster-child Adam Psalm Eve into purchasing an extremely rare, limited edition X-Men comic book - issue 143. Adam paid the outrageous price of three Pop Rocks, two Ken Griffey Jr rookie cards, a “Win a free Sprite” bottle cap, one booster pack of Magic The Gathering playing cards and the shirt off of his back (see picture to left).

Adam bought the comic book, expecting to flip it at next week's wiffle ball tournament only to have his dreams cut short. Upon inspection, appraisers informed Adam that despite the shiny holographic cover it was only worth two packs of Double Bubble Gum, "if he could even find a buyer." Adam reported the counterfeit to the authorities, effectively putting Kenny Wess in the Double Trouble zone.

Authorities found Wess sleeping in an alley between the Toys R Us and that Vietnamese noodle joint on the outskirts of Waco. On his person was a Spider Man backpack filled with extremely common comic books and a brick of Splenda. Police think he was planning to pass off the cheap comics onto more unsuspecting poster children. As of this report, Wess' whereabouts over the past two months are still unknown. On the insistence of his lawyers, the child refuses to talk to anyone in the liberal media at this time. 

Local Waco Detective Kevin Carols said in a statement to reporters, "This is probably the biggest crime scandal we’ve dealt with this semester. Everyone has been on edge since the Indian Rug Burn triple homicide that happened over spring break. With temperatures soaring, something like this was bound to happen. I’m just glad we caught the prick and get to watch his 12-year-old ass fry in the electric chair! YIPYIPYIPYEHAW Y’ALL!” 

Kenneth’s execution date is yet to be determined but Kevin Carols, who is also the Waco Judge, plans to get it out of the way before or even during the big science fair next week. "It's good when kids can see science at work."

Poster child victim, Adam Eve, had this to say: “I had to trade a dimebag of cocaine to get that [Magic The Gathering] booster pack. I guess you live and learn and love and laugh.”

@ryancownie is TBN's tireless Dead Child Reporter. He has won the Nancy Grace Award 6 years in a row and his essays have been featured in Highlights, Nickelodeon and Hustler maazines.